How can I be happy when the answer is wait?
These days I feel like a child on the verge of throwing an internal temper tantrum.
I'm tired of waiting! I need answers.
I can't figure out how to feel joy stuck in such a weird season. I feel distracted and in a haze of unknowns. In my last post, I briefly mentioned what life currently looks like in the Meyer household. Almost a year ago, my accountant husband approached me about the idea of becoming a pilot, and since then, we have been in a whirlwind that requires a lot of sitting still. I had never before seen his eyes light up as they did when he talked about flying, and I instantly saw how aviation made him come alive. I had prayed unceasingly for direction on Cal's career, and we finally had answers.
The triumph that came with that knowledge was short lived, however, as we were immediately launched into a side of life that was utterly unknown. Voicing the desire to become a pilot and actually becoming a pilot are two very different things.
And so, a new season began to unfold. I am not exaggerating when I say each week looks thoroughly unique from the others. I feel like we are working on a 1,000 piece puzzle, and each day another piece fits to show a grander picture. It's beautiful. But after a year of working on an unfinished puzzle, I am getting tired.
And so, I have been wrestling and the anxiety often consumes me. We are currently on a strange timeline. We will need to move when Cal locally completes his private pilot's license, which is reliant on the weather. Additionally, I will be the only one with an income while Cal is training, so I am working diligently to find a job across the country in a time frame that is fast approaching. It seems that each decision is dependent on the next, and I am struggling with the concept of waiting.
How can I be content when the waters seems so uncharted?
In looking at the Scriptures, what I find is that Jesus often waited until the 11th hour to act.
Enter: Jesus on the boat with his disciples. Winds whipping furiously, waves crashing, friends afraid, and Jesus sleeping soundly. When I read the story, I wonder how long it took for the disciples to throw their hands up and wake Jesus. Storms often brew for quite some time before reaching climax, and I wonder how long they waited to shake Jesus awake until they truly thought they were going to die. The boat was beginning to flood at that point, for crying outloud. And in the 11th hour of that trauma, Jesus got up, silenced the wind and waves, and asked his friends "why are you so scared? Do you still have so much trouble believing?" (Mark 4:35-40, my translation).
True to His very nature, Jesus saved. But not until He gave the disciples an opportunity to cultivate a deeper trust.
And hear me: trusting God is the simultaneously the riskiest and most fulfilling thing you can do.
On the cross, Jesus proclaimed it is finished! and once in for all, proved that He is the most trustworthy, and that he will always come through.
And sometimes, the answer is not wait: sometimes the answer is no. But no to one thing is yes to something else, whether that be a different earthly blessing, protection, or the best type of gift: more of the Father. After all, when our first priority is kingdom work, we shouldn't be apprehensive of where we are placed.
If it is the will of the Father, then we know that He will orchestrate a situation where we will be able to do the most good.
We are not entitled to the gift of answers, and we are rarely given them right away. If we were, we would be faced with the question of whether or not we really need God?
The beauty is not in the resolution, but in the dynamic relationship of a deeply feeling God. One who sees, knows, loves, and allows us to rest. With or without answers.